


The Trouble with Phans

by phanburnhamizzard



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Domestic, M/M, phandomreversebang2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 14:13:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12728130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanburnhamizzard/pseuds/phanburnhamizzard
Summary: Fans, especially Phans, can be incredibly supportive.  But for Dan, as he read some comments on Tumblr and Twitter, feelings of insecurity about his talent and his sexuality began to surface, causing a split between him and his love.  The question:  can Dan live his life honestly and yet privately at the same time? Can he find happiness without lying?





	The Trouble with Phans

Dan scrolled through Tumblr, his mood souring with each swipe of his hand on the trackpad. 

Anon: It’s obvious Phil is the top and Dan is the bottom!

sarahmajorG: Obvs! I mean, Dan is so feminine and beautiful! And just look at the way he looks at Phil! So adoring. “Heart Eyes Howell!”

hufflePuff393: Have you seen the secret files? OMG, I’ll send you the link to the Dropbox. 

MaryTHEMary: Even their videos are getting more similar. Have you noticed? And they are in each others videos alllll the time! Like, Love Eyes Lester can’t stop eyeing his beautiful boyfriend!

LesterBester: Anyway, newsflash, but Phil Lester is the only reason Dan is funny. I’m a Phillion through and through!

philLESTERSshoulders: Sad but true. He’s riding Phil’s coat tails.

Dan slammed down the lid of his MacBook and tossed it beside him on the bed.

Phil looked over, concern on his face. “What’s the matter, Dan?”

“Nothing,” Dan said, dryly.

“Come on, tell me,” Phil said softly. “You haven’t been yourself all afternoon.”

Phil reached over and to playfully muss Dan’s hair, but to his surprise, Dan jerked away from his hand. 

“Don’t! Don’t touch me, okay?”

“Fine!” Phil yelled, exasperated. He hurried off the bed and slammed Dan’s bedroom door behind him. Seconds later, his own bedroom door crashed shut, and then there was nothing but a tense silence echoing through the Manchester apartment.

Tears began to fall down Dan’s cheeks. He hated it when they fought, and the fights had been happening so often lately. 

Across the hall, Phil paced the floor, muttering to himself. He had taken about as much of Dan’s moodiness as he could stand for one day, and although he would miss their evening cuddle time, he thought maybe it was best for them to sleep apart for the night. Perhaps some distance was what was needed, he thought. But what could be wrong with Dan? These past few months, he had been getting more and more irritable and Phil could not put his finger on any one thing that seemed to set him off into one of his moods. 

Of course, Phil had seen all these references to “Phan” on Tumblr and Twitter. He didn’t mind them a bit. He was out to his family, and his family loved Dan. He didn’t care what the fans thought about his private life, and he rather enjoyed reading their theories and seeing how off base they usually were. Usually, the posts gave him a good laugh and that was it. 

But for Dan, still weeping in the other room, the posts cut to the quick. He was not out to anyone but Phil, and when they were in public, he was careful to inch away if Phil got too close. He regretted the videos of 2009-2011: those innocent explorations caught on film, because his family and friends had asked some uncomfortable questions. He had deflected them all, and made as if it was all a character for the videos; but, their eyes had shown significant doubt even as their words said they believed him. Now, the fans were jumping to conclusions about them, and every time they got close to the truth, it pushed him farther away from the man he loved most in the world. 

Dan had never been sure about his sexuality. He had dated several girls in highschool and in University, and had genuinely enjoyed sex with them. He had always felt curious about men, but when he tried making love to them, he felt a sense of guilt creep in that did not let him enjoy himself. 

Until he met Phil.

Phil had also had relationships with girls and had meaningful physical relationships with them, but he had always known he was bisexual. He had just never found the right boy. 

Until he met Dan. 

The moment they pecked each other on the lips on the ferris wheel, they both felt something they had never felt before. It was an intoxication: a feeling of soaring to the highest heights with no fear and no regrets. That evening, they had cuddled on the floor in a sleeping bag, kissing and giggling all night long. By weekends’ end, they had made love for the first time, with Phil holding Dan tightly as he gently wept on his chest. 

They explored sexuality together. It had seemed to be the most natural and innocent thing to do. One moment, they were play-fighting as they tried to beat Crash Bandicoot, the next, they were moaning in pleasure. They were two boys, learning about their bodies and learning about each other without embarrassment or hesitation. They were the epitome of young love. 

But then, as their giddiness spilled over into their videos, the YouTube comments began to change. At first, it was just a vague suggestion here and a wrong guess there. As months passed, though, the comments began to take on a life of their own, with detailed theories on Tumblr that were getting more and more accurate as the months went on.

For Dan, insecure in his newfound place in a relationship, this was deeply troubling. Phil, the more confident and secure of the two, brushed the comments aside and told Dan to do the same. It was not that easy for Dan. He had been brought up in a household that was not tolerant of alternative sexualities. He had deep guilt about his sexual feelings for Phil and often fell into fits of self-loathing that only Phil could coax him out of. 

Dan rolled over to Phil’s side of the bed and felt his warmth. He knew from past experience that Phil would not be back tonight; he never cooled down that quickly after a fight. Dan fell asleep breathing in his lover’s scent and wishing he could hold him and make everything like it used to be.

In the other room, Phil was typing out an email that he never intended to send. Dan never knew, but there were literally dozens of angry emails in Phil’s draft folder that would never see the light of day. Language was Phil’s specialty, and the letters were his way of processing the events that upset him.

He wrote, “Dan, You have got to stop doing this. I don’t know what you’re on about, but pushing me away is not the answer. Together, there is nothing we can’t do, but if you don’t let me in, I can’t help. Didn’t I help you when you dropped out of University? Wasn’t it I who called your Mum and explained it to her? Why won’t you trust me now? What is happening to us? I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you.”

Phil suddenly stopped typing. He looked at the last line of his email, “I can’t lose you”, and realized with a start that that was exactly what was happening. Dan was slowly but surely pushing him away. 

Phil bolted off the bed and flung back the doors separating him from Dan with two loud crashes.

Dan started from his twilight sleep and his blurry eyes found Phil towering above him.

“I can’t lose you,” Phil said, desperately.

“Phil, I--” Dan began.

“Shut up,” Phil demanded. “I don’t know what is going on with your but I love you and I will not allow you to just shove me out of your life! You are going to tell me what is going on right now and we are going to deal with it.”

“Oh, am I allowed to talk now?” Dan sassed, sarcastically. He was still groggy, but was angry at being lectured like a child. 

Phil glared at him, but remained silent. 

“Fine. Fine,” Dan began, “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I just didn’t want to be touched and--”

“No. I’m not just talking about tonight. I’m talking about the past six months. I want to know why you are pushing me away. You won’t sit next to me on the train, you won’t taste my food at the restaurant, you’ve stopped texting sarcastic comments about other people to me while we’re at parties. You never initiate sex anymore and when we do make love, you end up immediately needing a shower by yourself that conveniently lasts until I’ve fallen asleep. Don’t think I haven’t figured out that you let the water run long after it has gone cold. What has happened? Do you hate me now?” Phil’s voice began to crack. “Because if you do, the least you could do would be to tell me that you hate me, Dan.”

Dan shot out of the bed and took Phil into his arms. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” Dan cried as his tears stained Phil’s shirt. 

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan. “Then what is it,” he asked in a softer tone. “I feel like I'm losing my best friend.”

“It’s the fans, Phil. It’s what they say. It’s that they know about us, somehow.”

“So? So what if they think they know or not?” Phil questioned.

“I can’t handle it, Phil. No one knows about me but you. I still feel like I’m doing something wrong and I still feel like someone is going to catch me and shame me.”

“Nothing we are doing is wrong, Dan,” Phil said warmly as he began to gently rock Dan side to side. 

“I know that Phil but- but I just don’t feel it, you know? Deep inside, I feel like I’m wrong. That we’re wrong for what we do and for how we feel. And with every comment, it feels like a light is getting brighter and brighter on me and there is nowhere for me to hide.”

Phil closed his eyes and sighed. “You were brought up believing some things that just aren’t true, sweetheart, and if and when you ever do decide to come out, the world will keep on spinning on its axis just like it always has. You are not bad. You are my best friend, you are my lover, and you are my favorite person in the world. Believe me: I know you as well as you know yourself and you are not bad.”

Dan buried his head in Phil’s chest and began to sob. Phil lead them over to the side of the bed and together, they sat down. “Please hold me?” Dan asked between sobs. “Of course, Dan,” Phil said, a lump in his throat. The two of them lay back on the bed and got lost in a tangle of each others’ arms. Phil whispered comforting words and rubbed Dan’s back until he finally fell asleep; then, he tucked him in and went back to his room to write.

The next morning, Dan awoke to the sound of cereal being poured into bowls. He washed his face, noting his puffy eyes, and was glad he had no film commitments for the day. He walked out to find Phil sitting in his pajamas watching a Buffy DVD. 

“Good morning,” Dan said as he accepted a bowl of Shreddies from Phil.

“Good morning, Dan. How do you feel?”

“Embarrassed,” Dan confessed, “I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you.”

“I understand,” Phil replied, “and I did some thinking after you went to sleep. I have some ideas that I think will help.”

And so began the rules of 2012. In public, there would be no touching, even under the table. In videos, there would be no touching and plenty of space between them; fewer collabs with each other and more emphasis on individual videos and collabs with others; and inside jokes would stay just that: inside. Videos would be more streamlined and outtakes suggesting anything more than a casual friendship would be edited out. Dan also said he would start responding to comments directly, stopping rumors in their tracks. It was no one’s business what he did in his personal life, and he was going to channel his feelings at the fans, not Phil. Phil was hesitant about that last point, but since Dan was adamant, he relented. 

Dan also took to staying as far away from Phil’s videos as he could: no cameos and no collabs unless it was for PINOF, and even then, there was no touching. Dan was insecure about his talents, and the thought that he was using Phil or riding his coat tails, was infuriating to him. Phil had reassured him that he was talented and that certain fans were just being vocal about their favorite and that didn’t mean that one was better than the other. But Dan was adamant: he wanted a career of his own and he needed to prove himself on his own merits. 

They focused on keeping themselves physically separated while in public and made sure that there was never any physical contact in public or in their rare videos together. Dan began answering online questions in short, succinct, statements: “No, I am not gay.” “Yes, I like vagina.” “No, I’m not dating anyone right now.” He even started making little comments about Phil in the YouNow chats, like, “That’s why you’re single, Phil.” 

The YouTube comments and Tumblr posts were confused at first, then doubtful, then a bit angry. The fans felt they were being played and they sensed Dan’s anger accurately. But, without video evidence to further their theories, the theorists became less vocal, and the comments turned more towards the content than the conspiracies. 

Initially, their personal relationship began to improve. Dan began initiating sex more often and they became more playful at home. 

Midway through the year, they went to a party with friends and sat next to each other on the stone wall. Someone took their picture and soon, the Phan theorists were back at it again, enlarging the photo to point out the lack of space between them. A huge document began circulating on Tumblr that chronicled all of the things Dan had said and refuted them with pictures and video “evidence” to the contrary.

Even though they talked it out, Dan began to pull away at home again, but this time, he did it with Phil’s consent. “If we are consistent, we’ll make fewer mistakes in public,” Dan had explained, and Phil went along. 

For three months, they lived as platonic friends. Each day bringing a longing stronger than the day before. 

Finally, as Phil stood by silently in the living room, Dan walked up to him and laid his head on Phil’s shoulder. 

“I miss you,” he said, plaintively.

“I miss you too, Bear.”

“I don’t know what to do, Phil. But I can’t live like this anymore. I need you back in my life -- back the way things used to be.”

“Let them say what they want to, Dan. I know, it’s easy to say that, but listen to me for a second. Imagine we were just friends. They would be saying the same things. You know the internet as well as I do. What would we do then? Not be friends anymore?”

“Of course not!” Dan replied adamantly. 

“There it is, then. We live our private lives privately, and our public lives publically. We acknowledge the fan fiction and the fan art and the conspiracies and just laugh and say we don’t mind it. That we like creativity and that it’s fine. Make a joke out of it. Don’t take it seriously. Because there is only one thing that is serious, Dan, and that is our feelings for each other. No story or theory on the internet should ever come between us.”

“I know. You’re right. It’s just hard, Phil….”

“I know, Bear. But at some point, we just have to live our lives and let the fans do what they will. The fact is that we are funnier together online, and we are happier together offline. Why should we let anyone or any group get between us?”

Dan took Phil in his arms and embraced him. “We shouldn’t. We absolutely shouldn’t.” 

From then on, the two were less careful with accidental touching in public. Dan even made it a point to glance at the camera when innuendos or touching occurred. 

The fans ate it up, and the theories continued, but the two young men did not care. By acknowledging the theories, it gave the theories less power over them. Dan and Phil were back in control: both of their career and their personal relationship.

Over the next few years, the two even went so far as to cut to themselves dancing together at the Brits, which set the Phandom into a feeding frenzy. Back at home that night, they scrolled Twitter and Tumblr together and laughed. 

One day, Dan had the bright idea to start a gaming channel. 

“But Dan,” Phil began, “I thought that …”

“I know,” Dan replied, “but it will be fun and who cares what they think. Seriously.”

Phil beamed. 

The Gaming Channel brought them closer together in so many ways. It lessened their stress by increasing their income; it gave them an excuse to play video games together: a hobby they truly loved; and it gave Dan the chance to get cheeky with the audience. He had adapted his fear into a type of triumphant acknowledgment. Anytime he touched Phil, he'd sneak a knowing look at the camera. 

The live shows also saw the replacement of "My friend and I" to "Me and Phil" and then, finally, to "we". 

The decision to make the book and the tour was a serious one for both Dan and Phil. But they both realized how much their true fans loved them and how much they loved them back. That year and a half in vans and busses and airplanes brought them even closer together. They did tell a little white lie about not sharing the bedroom, but other than that, they let the rumors fly. And they didn’t care. 

For in the end, everyone had won. The fans had their theories, the two young men had one another, and everyone was happy.


End file.
